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lauraonair @blogspot.com ♥
Friday, June 26, 2009

It doesnt matter who my father was, it matters who i remember he was (Anne Sexton)

yesterday my girl nura posted in my wall, asking my blog and i was like "geez i have a blog!!" pretty much pushed me to posting here again :)

well my last post was abput how i cant choose between 2 choices. gez what? i decided, and so far its going better. what a relief.. u know i cant tell u what it was hahaha i dont know who 'u' refer to :P

anddd i miss my papa so much !!! i know i ask for much too much, but could You send the men i love the most back God?? Do You see how much i need him right now.. here are things that i never tell anyone that i always think about him every night, and i never get through it without crying. i just cant tell anybody in person, i dont like crying over people. but id love to write it here, u wont see me cry. few days ago was a fathers day, we dont really have fathers day in indonesia but i hope i had one where i would tell my father how much i love him, and he means the world to me. well of course we dont need fathers day to tell our father how much we love him, but i just think it could be more special if theres a special day for it, u know like mothers day. despite by how much i miss him, i just wish that he knows that i love him so much.. always have always will.....
Monday, January 12, 2009

today is rainy, and i love it somehow :)

you know, im not really good in blogging but i do it anyway
i like typing and i hope that made sense :P

well im in the place that i could not make a choice between two things
both i love both i care both i cant live without both dont wanna hurt

i hope i dont have to choose, or to be honest do what i want to do
i know what im doin, and i hope people realize
this year im gonna hit the twenty, isnt that obvious
that im big girl, i know what i should do or shouldnt
no matter how much i care some people are just jackasses

and there is another thing, that i said wasnt a priority
and not important for now or anytime soon
guess what, now it seems important and i cant help think about it
geez i really need to tell someone something
but i just cant, or i shouldnt
Thursday, October 2, 2008

i did three things today, yesterday and the day before; miss him, miss him and miss him

it has been a week that my dad passed away, i missing him even more each day. i cant believe that he gone forever and i will never see him again. the only thing that i regret is i had no chance to tell him that i love him so much and making him proud of me.

i keep listening to this song titled 'bye bye' by Mariah Carey this few days, makes me feel even better

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it but you kept me in line
I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings, and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through
All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show because
You loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye
Monday, September 15, 2008

everyone wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die ;)

now im sitting in front of my dad's computer in his room. typing my blog, when i feel all alone i like to updating my blog. so you wont see story full of happiness on my blog, selfish i know because it seems i only want share sadness. when im happy im too busy share it with my real friends, you know the ones who i really know exist. i dont like share my sadness, but right now i really need someone to whom i can tell prety much about everything without worry any judgement come out from them. only God can judge....
Saturday, September 6, 2008

God if i cant have what i want, please let me want what i have....

not like any other days before, i woke up around 7am. i cant stand to get back to my room and went back dreaming. but i have to go to hospital. my dad got to stay there for few days. i cant stand thinking about why people still smoke even they knew that it will kill them, sooner or later. i went inside to my dad's room. its not a big room, but they have three beds inside. they will moving my dad to a private room, bu they dont have empty room for now. so he has to wait until afternoon. and i know he couldnt stand with it. i mean he can sleep everywhere, but he cant stay far away from the restroom. he wants restroom for himself alone. and i think its genetic ;)

in his room on the first bed, i saw old man sleep. im looking to him, and i know hes not sleeping. he just too old to keep his eyes open. the boy whom taking care him told us that he just too old thats why he stays in the hospital. when i grown up, phisically and mentally, i dont wanna end up in the hospital. i want to stay in my house, with all the member of family inside whom taking care of me. too young to think about being old i think...

this week been so hectic, dramatic, and fascinated. you know what, i think i have fallen for someone. but i just dont have time to think about it, i have too many problems. a relationship is not a priority...

i hate myself for this
i hate this person i've become
i hate who i am and who i thought i would never be
i hate people who making me this way
i hate the selfishness i now have become
i hate the endless pain i put people through
i hate the way i hide myself in this pain
i hate the crazy world im living in called my life
i hate when my friends suffer because of my problems
i hate the fact that everything i have worked so hard not to be is what defines me
i hate that people cant see who i really am
i hate that my heart is broken with no one to put it back together

yesterday i went to the cinema with bryant, bella, fabian. we watched Wall-E, animation movie by Pixar studio. directed by Andrew Stranton. this movie was about how important saving our earth! we dont want live in a space (i doubt if it could happen) and the movie packaging so funny, and i love it.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

If love isn’t a game, then why are there so many players ?

i dont update my blog daily coz i my mood on blogging like on n off, i writing only when i feel want to write. yesterday was hectic, confusing, and fun actually. i woke up like usual, u know at noon. then i sat in front of my tv ( i cant imagine my life without tv on it) boring shows. decided to stay in my room and went online, checked up my friends sites. honestly, sometimes i feel those friend sites only wasting my time, and then i think that i have got a lot of time to waste, so no problemo ;)

and then guess whos coming at the nite, Bryant. he kinda like a bat, only appear at nite. today is his girlfriend bday. he just bought a present for her and then coming to my house. he was confusing what he supposed to write on the bday card. and afraid to write becoz i have to admitted that hes got ugly handwriting, hes so messed up. he showed me the present, a bag. he putted it inside a box with heart pic, and a line "you make me feel so happy... i love you" it is kinda cute saying, but the box looks like a shoes case. well you wont find an appropriate gift in a small town like manado. so that was ok, i couldn agree more. and when i saw the gift, it looks like the box too big for the bag. i suggest him to put some dolls inside, to make it looks good when she opens the box. then we began our adventure, we went all of shopping center in tomohon to find cute dolls, but it was just waisting time at the last. then i told him to put some chocolate, but he had got better idea. we went buy vodka mix and max. i thik he wants his girlfriend get drunk, and if the teacher find out what he gave to her, we all in the big shit. but who cares, we are no longer student of that jail school ;)

then we went to next plan, delivery that crime stuff to school.. called rosa like hundred times she didnt answer. we wait at spooky place, i hate it bcoz im not kinda brave girl. i dont believe ghost, but to make me believe it exist with having a vision i had rather to believe. after giving the gift to oliv and rosa, we went to mahawu cafe. the owner is the same with our school cafeteria owner in school.

well i will posting any other time, the same me with different mood ;) kisses.....
Friday, August 22, 2008

a real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out

yesterday i supposed to come to IBL All Star match.. gosh im regret i couldnt make it T.T bryant said it was so cool!!! well im jealous he could saw them play. beside watch the match of course i could see another scenery like you know, boys... hehehe but it was okay bcoz im enjoying tv shows

today just like yesterday, nothing special... which why i called my life sucks. around 9:30 bryant called, just make sure that im home so he could come. minutes later he was in front of my house already. we talked about many things, one was shocked me. break up of winner n his long girlfriend. well i think it wouldnt take long time before they both get together again, but maybe this want will be the real break up hehe but who knows what happen next....
Wednesday, August 20, 2008

If at first try you don’t succeed, then erase all evidence that you tried

that quote above is so funny that is why i put it on my first line today ;) i was in manado this morning, looking for an appropriate driving school. i need to get my driver license as soon as possible. and i found one who near by my home, and then i was thinking if i i could get driver license first i could learn later, lazy like a pig ^o^

i cant really recall my feeling this whole week, too complicated... id been through rough day, struggling with my own feeling. just for the record i am the one who cant think positive about anything, i called it self defense but for my friends it was waisting time. you know, like thinking about someone who doesnt even know you exist.

but i can tell you something, that this week i realized that someone who looks care doestn care like i thought. people said that friend in need is friend indeed. in this case i think i am... cant really write it down, part of my pessimistic brain i guess.....

You will never be my friend again

Friends are people like me and you used to be.
YOU CHANGED majorly.
You covered your face with make-up, trying to look fake
it didnt work just made you look ugly
you changed your hair to make you look “prettier”
You changed to fit in to be popular
when you were my friend you didnt have to change
but you didnt want to be my friend anymore
you wanted to be someone else
So you ignored me, you were rude to me, you insulted me.
You think once you start talking to me again it will all be over!
You think wrong you will

i think that poem suitable with my feeling right now, but i am not that rude. even if they did exactly like that i will never say you wont be my friend again, but i just cant treat you like i used to ;)

Sunday, August 10, 2008

anything could happen unexpected... nothing is impossible, i think im gonna get used with that line ;)

this morning something really unexpected happen, cant recall here becoz i dun wanna dream too much hehehe so i just hoping everything going well until i get what i want. my dad didnt force me to do this adsense thing, but i still do it thou. i just wanna make him see that im doing something hihihi

i just came back home after accompanied bryant with his supper, and of course id supper too which is why im having problem losing weight. but i like what i look like now. not much not less, i hope you understand what i mean ;)

i watched infotainment this morning, and i saw news about young female actress trapped with those drugs thing. i dont have idea how could somebody doing something that she or he knows not the right thing to do. i hope im not one whom has those kind of curiosity which make me do something ill regret for all my life....
Thursday, August 7, 2008

It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
once and again my dad force me to do the adsense thing, freakin tired becoz he keep nagging me T.T i just wanna do things i want to do. not what my dad want me to do. but i owed him all my life. so i decided to do that. nothing to lose thou....

today i woke up around 10am bcoz phx calling. she was at tondano by the time. ask me to go to Lokon, but i still feel sleepy. i told her to come by there at noon... but i didn tell her i still sleep when she called me hehehe

we went there around 2pm, the kids practiced for marching band. i miss the time when i still part of the team. i love that time. to many memories hihihihi....

after that bryant fetched me home. we have some nasty crazy conversation with winner before both of them left hehehe. lidut calls us to go clubbing. i think i will go since nothing to do here and i bored hear my dad nagging all the time.

its 11pm and i dont know what else to write so i think ill continue tomorrow ;)

some pictures from the sexy day out =D

sexy part 1

sexy part 2